The Shades of Grief

  I have been thinking a lot lately of the many shades of grief that a survivor goes through from my experience.
      Perhaps, you will find a bit of yourself.  We have had almost nine years to experience the many hues. Believe me, when I say, we have been all over the spectrum.
Shade # 1 Black...deep, dark despair and not grasping the enormity of this new reality
Shade # 2 Deep black...floating in disbelief, shock, and denial
Shade # 3 Deeper black..sleeping, lack of appetite and hoping when I woke this had all been a dream
Shade #4  Deepest black..isolation, loss of interest in life, a sense of total aloneness and detachment
Shade #5  Bright Red...anger directed at myself, my husband, and God. I was angry at what we could have done, might have done, should have done, and how often I had prayed that our son would find peace. How dare God grant him peace this way!
Shade #6 Bright orange....not angry all the time but argumentative and wanting to lash out toward others when they complained about something trivial.  How could a lost grocery list remotely compare to my loss?
Shade #7 Charcoal gray....angry at returning to work, angry at others for getting on with their lives, and angry toward my family because they did not grieve like I was.
Shade #8 Navy blue..."Show time" at work that I was getting along better.  I couldn't wait to get into the safe haven of my car and cry all the way home.
Shade # 9 Deep green...moving through what I needed to and drowning in the vastness of grief
Shade # 10 Yellow orange...clouds lifted a few minutes at a time and then I felt really guilty for enjoying something.
Shade # 11 Black...How dare I think I should go on with life.  After all, our son can't enjoy any part of life.
Shade # 12 Blue..days of sadness but not the entire day.  I was able to forget for awhile and get into something else.
Shade # 13  Light blue... I began to make plans and get some future dates on the calendar.
Shade # 14  Deep Purple...I cancelled all plans and felt guilty for making them and guilty for canceling them.
Shade # 15 Deeper Purple...Now I felt guilty about canceling plans with friends.
Shade # 16  Deep pink...Putting something on the calendar and looking forward to it but thinking I could cancel if I had to.
Shade # 17 Dark green...Spring was coming with her dress of color and hope.  I loved the season, but I couldn't appreciate all the new life.
Shade # 18 Green...The warmth of the days came, and I could feel my moods lifting.  I began planting young flowers and filling our yard with color.
Shade # 19 Lime Green...The beautiful colors of early summer and more outdoor activity kept me more content and willing to get out and socialize more.
Shade # 20 Rainbow colors....My life is now made up of a myriad of colors and mostly bright ones. On some occasions, my colors have some tinges of black.  When that happens, I know I am not and never will be over what has happened and I don't criticize myself for that. I can appreciate the days as they come- one at a time.

     A saying I found and cannot take credit for but brought me some solace and maybe it will for you.
     "The more you dwell on what you don't have the more you get what you don't want. "
                                                                                                                                ---anonymous





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Can Love Be Yours Again?

Can Love Be Yours Again?

By Bonnie Swade

          Spring is in the air and love is blooming.  Our pond has Mr. Frog who at night sits on his rock and croaks for his mate.  The flowers are emerging from the ground and all things are in “bloom mode” except for a suicide survivor.  Often times the feelings are I am unlovable and not worthy of love. It could be too that because we have experienced such a loss it may feel like betrayal.  A wife or husband feels cheated because all the future plans they made are now lost.  The loss of a child carries all the feelings of missed occasions such as not walking a son or daughter down the aisle, not seeing a graduation, never holding a grandchild of his or hers. Losing a parent to suicide leaves many unanswered questions such as “Why didn’t I know my mom or dad was feeling that way?” Anger comes because of missed family times and financial chaos to go through.  A sister or brother feels the loss in a totally different way. The loss of a sibling brings about all kinds of memories from childhood.  Losing a close friend too leaves feelings of guilt. Why didn’t I know? What could I have done? No matter the relationship of the person you lost by suicide, the feelings of despair and moving through life without that person seem unbearable.

          After the loss of a loved one, many emotions emerge. One of the stronger emotions may be I am not worthy to give or receive love. To compensate some survivors find comfort in overeating, overdrinking, doing anything to excess to dull the pain.  Others may go in the opposite direction and stop eating, taking care of themselves, overmedicating, and isolating themselves from others.  They feel a sense of guilt and shame and do not feel they have the right to ask others who love them for help. So, our feelings stay bottled inside and our relationships with others deteriorates.  We no longer feel we have the right to have a life when our loved one is gone.

           We do have the right to love and be loved.  That is what separates humankind from other species.  Yes, we do feel life is over and we cannot love again.  However, we cannot take on the actions or feelings of our loved ones.  Just like the flowers that wilt and die when the season is over, they break through the earth every spring and seek warmth from the sun.  Allow yourself to grieve, as we each have our own timeline. Seek the life you deserve and emerge from the darkness. Bring sunlight to your soul once more and thrive in your new you and love will follow.

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Awakening

     With an extremely mild winter this year, I really didn't get the opportunity to "hunker down."  I didn't get to stay inside look at snow flakes, lounge around all day wearing sweats, and getting in the kitchen baking bread.  My husband didn't get the chance to use his new toy- a snow blower.  So. like the animals we move into Spring not even needing to shed our winter coats. Some of the pansies have even made it through so far and our trees especially our Magnolia (which has buds) is confused.
     Often shifting from one season to the next, gives opportunities to awaken new dreams and goals.
Not so much this winter, so I am  working still on my creative side.  I am not a crafter although I appreciate the clever items I see made from a plastic bottle, a few ribbons, hot glue and the mantra someone is chatting, "It's so easy anyone can do it!"  I am also not a seamstress even with the new easy Jiffy Patterns that are available. I can sew up a few things but really don't like it.  The Stretch n Sew class years ago cured me of thinking I could just whip something up.  That was the year people were quickly seaming up cute little t-shirts.Of course, to get the t-shirt perfectly fitted for one's unique body type measuring was of the utmost importance.  I measured; I sewed; and hanging up on a hanger my t-shirt had the shape of a bell!  Then there was sewing a Granny Gown. That had another set of new challenges such as the yoke and the inset sleeves.  All looked pretty good until I put one arm in and then the other.  If my left shoulder had been two inches higher than my right it would have fit  just perfectly.  Then there was the cake decorating class. My rosettes had a look all their own.  So over the years, I have taken classes on doll  making, sewing, knitting, cooking, ceramic, and painting classes. A few others that were interesting were the Out of Body Experience class, Tapping, and Paranormal Activity classes.
     In addition to my creative endeavors I have about tried every diet that is known.  Let's see there was the Grapefruit, Cabbage Soup, South Beach, Atkins, Mayo Clinic, Slim 4 Life and Weight  Watchers. (Surely I am forgetting some).,
     So, you may be asking yourself right now, "What does all this have to do with a blog for people who have lost a loved one?   The constant in all my endeavors is trying new things and not giving up.  Even if...our loved one had not died it is easy to get complacent and not try anything new. It is even easier to think, "I don't care.  What does it matter?  Who cares?"  I know it all seems like too much effort.  One would have to read about classes, search the internet, sign up, and most of all make a committment to try something that sounds interesting or fun and that is the biggest challenge of all.  So, what if you are not good at something -no big deal!  I don't care that my rosettes don't look so good, or if I want a cute granny gown I can go to Macy's and purchase one.  What is the most important to me is that I tried and I am still searching for things that I can enjoy. I hope you will consider embracing something new or awaken a passion you had before this tragedy occurred.  After all we know "That it is .. what it is....but it doesn't have to be so.
     And by the way...my new passion is water color.Grandma Moses took up painting in her later years so why can't I?  Who knows...maybe someday my paintings will be hanging in museums and someone can say, "Look at what Bubbe Bon did."  But you know what? It doesn't really matter because for now I am enjoying something new.  How about you?
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Has Tragedy Defined You or Transformed You?

     First of all I need to apologize. I had planned to sit down and write this piece over a month or so ago and I didn't.  My daughter Haley, told me if I said I was coming out with a blog then by golly it should be out!  To be perfectly honest, she didn't say it quite like that!!!  However, I heard her message loud and clear.
     I hope all shared a nice Thanksgiving with family and friends.  The Saturday before Thanksgiving SASS-MoKan held a Remembrance Day which always coincides with National Survivors of Suicide Day.  The afternoon brings together those who have shared a loss by suicide or other traumatic death. As I sat surrounded by others, I again wondered has tragedy defined me or has it transformed me the past eight years? Am I the same person I was before the loss of our son?  Do I value the same things I once did? Does the future still hold promises for me? Have my relationships changed?  What are my priorities?
     Perhaps, the answer is yes to both defining and transforming a person.  One cannot go through a  loss without a change taking place.  I am not the same person I was.  I am eight years older, retired from a profession I loved, have added a few more grandchildren, a few more pounds, shrunk an inch, am coloring my hair a bit more often and you know all those things would have happened even if our son hadn't taken his life.  I value many of the same things I always have such as family, love, honesty, perserverance, friendship, etc.  but added to the list is appreciation for the people who have ridden this bumpy road of life with me and a tolerance and acceptance of others without judgment. Might that have happened anyway?  Probably so.  Do I look at the future differently? I realize with each passing day those moments are gone and living and loving is all we have. Wishing for our son back won't make it so.  Focusing on those dear to me in the here and now creates the dreams of the future. Relationships have always been important but now even more. Say what you want to say to the people you love, because intentions say nothing.  And yes, priorities are different. Being content with being content brings a sense of peace and for that I am grateful.
    So, if this tragedy had not happened would I be the person I am now?  We are living a "new normal" so yes I have changed but  Brett's death does not define me but it has transformed me into the person I am today.


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So, What Is This Thing Called Resilience?

     We have all heard the expression that when "Life gives you lemons make lemonade."  I don't know about you but sometimes I don't want to make lemonade nor do I want the lemons!  However, we know we really don't have control over being the receiver of lemons.  So, that is when I begin to think of my two choices which is always bitter or better.  It is easy to be bittter and think that life isn't fair (which we know is 100% accurate) and feel jealous and revengeful that in our eyes no one has suffered like we have, but I know that isn't true.  My heart goes out to the many who have dealt with much more than I have.
     Sometimes though in the midst of a crowd, seeing a side view of a young man, hearing a song on the radio, looking at family pictures the ache I feel in my heart is still there into year seven of the loss of our oldest son. I know the heaviness, despair, and intensity that I felt the first days of his death do not cast the dark shadow it once did.
     How do people who have lost everything in life continue moving forward?  My guess is resilience.  Resilience is defined as being able to bounce back after failures, setbacks, and losses.  We all face problems and how we choose to deal with them makes a profound impact on the remainder of our life.  After reading an article called "Building Resilience" by Susan Dunn, MA she quotes some attributes written by Dr. Tian Dayton.  I began to think about what characteristics are needed to gain strength after a devastating life changing experience.
The following have been paraphrased  by yours truly:
1.  Self-reflection is needed to look at yourself realistically and have enough emotional distance to see yourself as you were and now how you are
2. Knowing what to do to live a life of value not  spending energy digging trenches and throwing dirt on themselves and others
3 Articulating and knowing what they are feeling and sharing that with others which allows them the ability to face the pain of their loss
4. Having an awareness of their issues and vulnerability and seeing themselves in a realistic view not an idealized one.  When life hurts they can own that hurt still moving forward.
5 .Coping with the loss by calling it by its correct name and acknowleding there is a grieving process
6  Separating the past from the present and living in the now. They have an understanding that focusing on unresolved business from the past is a sure way of sabotaging their future.
7. Finding meaning and purpose in their struggle.  For some a spiritual transformation may take place.
8. Taking this experience and life struggles as an opportunity to grow and deepen their relationship with others and having a new sense of self.
9. Having a deeper understanding of life and a new sense of peace.
10. Most of all they understand that resilience does not happen immediately but eventually.  It takes time and patience.
    So, thinking back resilience begins when we are toddlers.  We fall down we get back up.  Our footing may be wobbly  but as our confidence grows we became steadier.  No one said, life was an easy rode without bumps, sharp turns, and even sliding down the hillside. One thing I know, when life gives me more lemons I might not be able to immediately make lemonade but I sure can begin to put some sweetner in it.  I challenge you to do the same.

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The Skinniest Duck

     Our family just spent a week together in the Wisconsin Dells enjoying one another's company, swimming, playing games, and having fun.  One late afternoon I was out on the deck with our son, daughters, and grandchildren and the resident ducks waddled by.We found bread and began to feed them.  Interestingly, even ducks can have a" bully personality!"  Sure enough the bread the other ducks had seemed more enticing then the bread the ducks already had in their bills.
     All of a sudden another duck joined the duck group.  This duck's feathers were matted and compared to all his comrades, who were nice and plump, this one looked thin and hung back from the others.  He didn't even seem to mind that the others were bickering over the bread.  Soon, the ducks flew to another balcony leaving the skinniest one there.  I said to our son Zac," That guy must be the one the others pick on as he is a loner, thinner, and certainly less animated than the others.  I began thinking is this how many of our loved ones felt when the decision was made to take his/her life?
      Zac said, "Mom, your next blog has to be called the "Skinniest Duck." So that is how this title came to be.
     Here's what we know- duck waited until all the other ducks had feasted on the bread then zeroed in.  We know he stayed somewhat isolated from the other ducks, and we assume he was thinner than the others because he was less assertive and could even ascertain that his place in the "duck world" left him feeling helpless and hopeless. 
     What we don't know is if this duck chose to wait until all the other ducks bickered and fought and then hoped to have what bread was left to enjoy without chaos. He seemed to be isolated but yet could he have been the leader and was allowing the flock to eat setting an example that he was patient and a good role model?  He was much thinner and had matted feathers, but that might be explained  because he worked harder and vanity was of little consequence for him?
     There are always so many sides when we look at something as simple as my duck story.  If there are so many questions and could of's with this little tale  how indeed, could we begin to even think we could understand the depth and despair of a human? So the endless hours of thinking, questioning, and trying to make sense is just a waste of the precious time we have.  Life doesn't give us "do overs."
    I don't know why and I will never know why our son made the decision.  Wherever his spirit is I hope he is accepted, fed with love and positive feelings, and has found the peace instead of the chaos in his life.
    I shall continue missing my boy with all my heart and wish he had not made the decision he did.      In the meantime, I shall love, play, and enjoy my own flock valuing the time we have. I know that is what our son would have wanted.  I bet your loved one would wish that for you too!
    

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Life Sometimes Gets in the Way

      When I started the blog, I had every intention of writing at least every week.  Life got in my way.  For several of my absent weeks, I was working on a presentation called ASIST which stands for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training.  It is an internationally recognized suicide prevention program for people working with others who may be suicidal.  The training for trainers was a five day intense workshop that myself and the care coordinator from NAMI KC took in October.  The notebook is mega thick of  information along with a DVD/ powerpoint component. After our training, I figured we may or may not have the opportunity to present the information and if so, it may be sometime down- the- line.  Well, sometime down -the- line came and the presentation was two weeks ago.  Hours of prep took precedence over my blogging.  With that completed, we decided to move our upstairs office to the basement and turn the office back into  bedroom which again got in my way, so I do apologize.
      One of the topics discussed this evening at our support group group was people often want a suicide survivor to "get over it."  Get over what- is the question? What do we need to get over?  I guess a remark that stayed with me was a participant one time in group said, "I will get over it when my loved one comes back."  We know that isn't going to happen, and we know we will never get over it.  We can however work through it.  So, as I reflect on my own journey, acceptance comes with time and time is different for everyone.  The loss itself is enormous but there is loss in what could have and might have been which is a loss of the future.  Our son will  forever be thirty-one. Seven years have passed and both his sisters and  brother are married with two children each.  Life did not stop the day he took his last breath and as much as he is missed the cycle of life continues as it is supposed to.
      Life is complicated and some questions can never be answered.  We will never know the depth of the why it happened only that it did.  Acceptance is hard but without it we can never hope to see a tomorow for we are stuck in yesterday.  Grieve you will and heal you can.  Healing does not mean forgetting it means accepting and looking forward to a tomorrow.  The best I can wish for you and myself is peace.