When I started the blog, I had every intention of writing at least every week. Life got in my way. For several of my absent weeks, I was working on a presentation called ASIST which stands for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training. It is an internationally recognized suicide prevention program for people working with others who may be suicidal. The training for trainers was a five day intense workshop that myself and the care coordinator from NAMI KC took in October. The notebook is mega thick of information along with a DVD/ powerpoint component. After our training, I figured we may or may not have the opportunity to present the information and if so, it may be sometime down- the- line. Well, sometime down -the- line came and the presentation was two weeks ago. Hours of prep took precedence over my blogging. With that completed, we decided to move our upstairs office to the basement and turn the office back into bedroom which again got in my way, so I do apologize.
One of the topics discussed this evening at our support group group was people often want a suicide survivor to "get over it." Get over what- is the question? What do we need to get over? I guess a remark that stayed with me was a participant one time in group said, "I will get over it when my loved one comes back." We know that isn't going to happen, and we know we will never get over it. We can however work through it. So, as I reflect on my own journey, acceptance comes with time and time is different for everyone. The loss itself is enormous but there is loss in what could have and might have been which is a loss of the future. Our son will forever be thirty-one. Seven years have passed and both his sisters and brother are married with two children each. Life did not stop the day he took his last breath and as much as he is missed the cycle of life continues as it is supposed to.
Life is complicated and some questions can never be answered. We will never know the depth of the why it happened only that it did. Acceptance is hard but without it we can never hope to see a tomorow for we are stuck in yesterday. Grieve you will and heal you can. Healing does not mean forgetting it means accepting and looking forward to a tomorrow. The best I can wish for you and myself is peace.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Spring and Honoring You
Did you know that more suicides occur in the spring than any other season? Most people guess that it is winter. Although there are no concrete facts as to why spring rather than winter, one might spectulate that with the coming of spring and the promise of new life and new hopes life can offer new optimism. Unfortunately, not so much for those feeling helpless and hopeless.
I received in the mail today The Compassionate Friends Newsletter and would like to share a writing from Connie F. Kiefer Byrd, TCF, Tyler Texas. It is called .....
To Honor You
To honor you, I get up every day and take a breath, and start another day without you in it.
To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.
To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked, and sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.
To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.
You were my light, my heart, my gift of love from the very hightest source.
So every day I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.
Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.
And for me it's ....
by remembering you as the unique person you were,
by growing closer to your dad,
by loving and appreciating your sisters and brother,
by watching your nieces and nephews change and grow,
by the relationships we maintained and the promise of new ones yet to come,
by the opportunity to grow from this devastating loss,
by the ability to feel hope,
by learning what is really important,
by forgiving myself and letting go of guilt,
by feeling optimistic once again,
by making a difference for others,
by focusing on your life's accomplishments not your death,
by finding my life's purpose and spirituality,
by knowing I am the person responsible for my own grief recovery,
by forever knowing you will be a part of us forever.
Return to Sass-MoKan.com
I received in the mail today The Compassionate Friends Newsletter and would like to share a writing from Connie F. Kiefer Byrd, TCF, Tyler Texas. It is called .....
To Honor You
To honor you, I get up every day and take a breath, and start another day without you in it.
To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.
To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked, and sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.
To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.
You were my light, my heart, my gift of love from the very hightest source.
So every day I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.
Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.
And for me it's ....
by remembering you as the unique person you were,
by growing closer to your dad,
by loving and appreciating your sisters and brother,
by watching your nieces and nephews change and grow,
by the relationships we maintained and the promise of new ones yet to come,
by the opportunity to grow from this devastating loss,
by the ability to feel hope,
by learning what is really important,
by forgiving myself and letting go of guilt,
by feeling optimistic once again,
by making a difference for others,
by focusing on your life's accomplishments not your death,
by finding my life's purpose and spirituality,
by knowing I am the person responsible for my own grief recovery,
by forever knowing you will be a part of us forever.
Return to Sass-MoKan.com
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Hallmark Holiday-Mother's Day
I love Hallmark, I love cards, and I love the beautiful verses. What I have always had a hard time with is finding just the right sentiment. It doesn't have to be a defined, set holiday to let someone know he or she is special. Finding my own Mother just the right saying was difficult because our relationship was so strained. I couldn't go with the sugar and spice because my mother truly wasn't so nice. So, I resorted to the card with a humorous twist. My mother died in 1983, followed by my dad in 1993 and our son in 2003. You can see why digits ending in three cause unrest in me.
As our own children got older and moved out of state, Mother's Day was not that sweet, warm, fuzzy Hallmark commercial. The day was complete though when I heard from all my chicks. For many of us who have experienced a loss of a child it is one less card, one less call, and once again a jolt of reality that our life has taken on a new normal. That new normal though doesn't have to be bad and it doesn't have to make us mad or sad. We just need to be grateful for the memorable times we had.
Instead of mourning for the loss I want to embrace those who surround me with a sense of love and care. Making a plan for your day will help lessen your pain and loss. Playing in the garden, weather permitting, always makes me feel better. Be good to you, do something fun, reach out to someone else. Most of all remember that we have no control over anyone but our own selves. Choose to make this Mother's Day about enjoying the wonderment and beauty of life
Our loved ones planted their garden with fear, pain, and anger. We can do the same if we choose, but then the result is the same as theirs. I hope you want a prettier, healthier garden. I will plant strength and courage; fertilize it with love, and share its beauty with others who need it. Won't you join me?
As our own children got older and moved out of state, Mother's Day was not that sweet, warm, fuzzy Hallmark commercial. The day was complete though when I heard from all my chicks. For many of us who have experienced a loss of a child it is one less card, one less call, and once again a jolt of reality that our life has taken on a new normal. That new normal though doesn't have to be bad and it doesn't have to make us mad or sad. We just need to be grateful for the memorable times we had.
Instead of mourning for the loss I want to embrace those who surround me with a sense of love and care. Making a plan for your day will help lessen your pain and loss. Playing in the garden, weather permitting, always makes me feel better. Be good to you, do something fun, reach out to someone else. Most of all remember that we have no control over anyone but our own selves. Choose to make this Mother's Day about enjoying the wonderment and beauty of life
Our loved ones planted their garden with fear, pain, and anger. We can do the same if we choose, but then the result is the same as theirs. I hope you want a prettier, healthier garden. I will plant strength and courage; fertilize it with love, and share its beauty with others who need it. Won't you join me?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The benefits of a support group
After a loved one dies by suicide, family members often feel alone and that no one understands. In truth, it is hard to identify the enormous sadness and loss felt if one hasn't experienced a similar loss. Going to a therapist to help put things in perspective is definitely a positive step. When we first experienced our devastating loss, there was only one support group in the KC area. We took full advantage of sharing our feelings of guilt, remorse, sadness, the hole in our hearts and the changes in our lives. Life will never be quite the same and a "new normal" prevails.
For the past six years, we have facilitated a support group at the Life Dynamics Building meeting the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month. There are now groups in Independence and North Kansas City. If you have never attended a group I would highly encourage it. Many of our participants have made significant
steps toward their healing journey and often now help the new people who are attending for the first time. It is a safe place to cry, if need be, encourage, and share how others may have dealt with situations that arise. Often times, it is the one place participants can still talk about their loved one. Family and friends want us to "move on" but we know that we can move through, not on- like it never happenened. Our group genuinely
cares about each other and there is a bond in that room that is strong. Even those participants who now come back now and then have a positive message for those starting this journey. Life is a cycle and each day we get up we have the choice to make our day better or be bitter. The clock cannot turn back but we must move forward embracing life and loving those who are a part of us.
Return to Sass-MoKan.com
For the past six years, we have facilitated a support group at the Life Dynamics Building meeting the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month. There are now groups in Independence and North Kansas City. If you have never attended a group I would highly encourage it. Many of our participants have made significant
steps toward their healing journey and often now help the new people who are attending for the first time. It is a safe place to cry, if need be, encourage, and share how others may have dealt with situations that arise. Often times, it is the one place participants can still talk about their loved one. Family and friends want us to "move on" but we know that we can move through, not on- like it never happenened. Our group genuinely
cares about each other and there is a bond in that room that is strong. Even those participants who now come back now and then have a positive message for those starting this journey. Life is a cycle and each day we get up we have the choice to make our day better or be bitter. The clock cannot turn back but we must move forward embracing life and loving those who are a part of us.
Return to Sass-MoKan.com
Monday, March 21, 2011
To Life
As Spring comes walking in the door let's remember that life is a cycle. There is a time for every season and although we don't always understand a reason for that season. We have just experienced another loss in our family which is my father-in-law who was almost 94 years old. This death was from natural causes so it is easier to understand this death than the death where someone takes his or her own life.
I do know that no matter what age our loved ones leave us they would want us to make the most of our life, feel joy, have fun, and experience love.
May their memories continue to warm our hearts and understand the meaning of peace for them and us.
Return to Sass-MoKan.com
I do know that no matter what age our loved ones leave us they would want us to make the most of our life, feel joy, have fun, and experience love.
May their memories continue to warm our hearts and understand the meaning of peace for them and us.
Return to Sass-MoKan.com
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Seeds of Spring By Bonnie Swade
Spring is renewal and opportunities. It is a time to embrace hope and allow the season to warm and heal a broken heart. Our loved ones died one death and as survivors we have died a thousand deaths as we go over and over the whys, what ifs, etc. Believe me, when I say I know the drill well.
I want to share a bit of wisdom that others have stated before me and I share with you. This is nothing profound just from the heart and a tidbit picked up at a Weight Watcher Meeting: “If you do what you always do, you get what you always got.” This translates to if we continue to dwell on the past, make ourselves and others around us miserable, dwell on the death rather than the life and joy our loved ones brought us then we are diminishing and devaluing their lives and making our own miserable.
Some wisdom other survivors have shared that has helped them.
“Our lost loved one didn’t leave to hurt us. I think they truly believed that we could handle their death easier than they could handle their life” (submitted by SallyAnn G.)
“In the midst of winter, I found within myself an invincible summer” (submitted by Dawn M.)
As we continue our healing journey know that “those who walk together, strengthen each other.” –Swahili proverb
I want to share a bit of wisdom that others have stated before me and I share with you. This is nothing profound just from the heart and a tidbit picked up at a Weight Watcher Meeting: “If you do what you always do, you get what you always got.” This translates to if we continue to dwell on the past, make ourselves and others around us miserable, dwell on the death rather than the life and joy our loved ones brought us then we are diminishing and devaluing their lives and making our own miserable.
Some wisdom other survivors have shared that has helped them.
“Our lost loved one didn’t leave to hurt us. I think they truly believed that we could handle their death easier than they could handle their life” (submitted by SallyAnn G.)
“In the midst of winter, I found within myself an invincible summer” (submitted by Dawn M.)
As we continue our healing journey know that “those who walk together, strengthen each other.” –Swahili proverb
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