Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Shades of Grief

  I have been thinking a lot lately of the many shades of grief that a survivor goes through from my experience.
      Perhaps, you will find a bit of yourself.  We have had almost nine years to experience the many hues. Believe me, when I say, we have been all over the spectrum.
Shade # 1 Black...deep, dark despair and not grasping the enormity of this new reality
Shade # 2 Deep black...floating in disbelief, shock, and denial
Shade # 3 Deeper black..sleeping, lack of appetite and hoping when I woke this had all been a dream
Shade #4  Deepest black..isolation, loss of interest in life, a sense of total aloneness and detachment
Shade #5  Bright Red...anger directed at myself, my husband, and God. I was angry at what we could have done, might have done, should have done, and how often I had prayed that our son would find peace. How dare God grant him peace this way!
Shade #6 Bright orange....not angry all the time but argumentative and wanting to lash out toward others when they complained about something trivial.  How could a lost grocery list remotely compare to my loss?
Shade #7 Charcoal gray....angry at returning to work, angry at others for getting on with their lives, and angry toward my family because they did not grieve like I was.
Shade #8 Navy blue..."Show time" at work that I was getting along better.  I couldn't wait to get into the safe haven of my car and cry all the way home.
Shade # 9 Deep green...moving through what I needed to and drowning in the vastness of grief
Shade # 10 Yellow orange...clouds lifted a few minutes at a time and then I felt really guilty for enjoying something.
Shade # 11 Black...How dare I think I should go on with life.  After all, our son can't enjoy any part of life.
Shade # 12 Blue..days of sadness but not the entire day.  I was able to forget for awhile and get into something else.
Shade # 13  Light blue... I began to make plans and get some future dates on the calendar.
Shade # 14  Deep Purple...I cancelled all plans and felt guilty for making them and guilty for canceling them.
Shade # 15 Deeper Purple...Now I felt guilty about canceling plans with friends.
Shade # 16  Deep pink...Putting something on the calendar and looking forward to it but thinking I could cancel if I had to.
Shade # 17 Dark green...Spring was coming with her dress of color and hope.  I loved the season, but I couldn't appreciate all the new life.
Shade # 18 Green...The warmth of the days came, and I could feel my moods lifting.  I began planting young flowers and filling our yard with color.
Shade # 19 Lime Green...The beautiful colors of early summer and more outdoor activity kept me more content and willing to get out and socialize more.
Shade # 20 Rainbow colors....My life is now made up of a myriad of colors and mostly bright ones. On some occasions, my colors have some tinges of black.  When that happens, I know I am not and never will be over what has happened and I don't criticize myself for that. I can appreciate the days as they come- one at a time.

     A saying I found and cannot take credit for but brought me some solace and maybe it will for you.
     "The more you dwell on what you don't have the more you get what you don't want. "

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