Saturday, May 13, 2017

Dear Loved Ones,
     Another Mother’s Day and soon it will be Father’s Day that I am not here with all of you. I want you to know I love all of you so very much but I was unable to stay.  I tried hard to be the person who could just let things not bother me and I did so for longer than you know.  I smiled and I laughed at all the things I was supposed to and I even convinced myself that because I was loved so much I could stay. I knew you would be devastated and sad about my leaving but the darkness, despair, and black hole I felt kept pushing me to find peace.
     I know you would have done anything in your power to make life easier for me.  But it wasn’t about you it was about me. I could have gone to another doctor and gotten more medication prescribed and if you remember I did do that many times. For a bit, the medication seemed to work but my mind was so cloudy that I couldn’t even think or process my thoughts.  So, I had to stop and think about whether this was fair to put my family through all this again. 
    Please believe me when I say, this decision was not an easy one nor did I treat it as such.  To never hear your voices again, be a part of a family, enjoy all the holidays, see others in our family get married and have children brought me to question was I doing the right thing? Would I ever be forgiven for my action?
     I know that I caused a lot of worry, anguish, sadness, and caused a great deal of heartache.  If I could take any of my actions back I would. I hope you will remember all the times we did things together and the fun we had.  I will never forget the smiles we had for one another. Some of those crazy things we did that kept us giggling and laughing endlessly.
     However, I want you to know that I could never find peace and contentment in my earthly life.  I could never say the many things I wanted and felt that I let you down so many times even though you told me that it wasn’t so.
    So, I made the decision to go.  Do not cry and be sad that I have left. Please remember all the wonderful things we did and the joy we had in one another.  I am at peace and have found contentment.  When you see a bird, feel the sunshine on your skin, hear the wind rustling through the trees, read a book, listen to music, and enjoy life remember that I am doing that too.  I am just not where you are.  You can serve me well by being kind to each other and loving unconditionally. I am a better person for having you in my life.  May you feel the same way about me.
     As I say goodbye to you now, please enjoy life and all it has to offer. I can see you, I can feel you, and I will always love you.
     Yours forever,


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